A few weeks ago I was listening to this podcast by Brené Brown with the psychologist and author Dr Susan David talking about her book ‘Emotional Agility. Something Brené said struck a chord and hard — “…one day we’re young and then one day we’re invisible.”
It’s only recently I’ve started to uncover uncomfortable feelings and anxieties about ageing as a female and experiencing the notion of ‘invisibility’. Mind you, I am only 41 years old. Already, in what has become such a fast-moving timeline (no one tells you after 28 life really blows by, actually make that 19!) I have found myself in situations with people 20 years younger than me and even those my own age or older where I have felt the hard shift from being seen to unseen.
Honestly, I hadn’t realised just how much this was playing on my mind and making me question my being, wholeness, appearance, legacy and possibly my own complacency or more so naivety of my surroundings. Like all insidious patriarchal undertones, it starts out subtle. Being spoken over, being pushed aside, snarky comments, mansplaining, comments on your marital and child status and the sheer horror in these young 25-year-olds when they discover your status is zero in both categories. Well, ladies, you’ve won the golden ticket to the highway to the beginning of invisibility. Suddenly, you find your worth not only as a human but primarily as a woman is being called into question.
Truly being heard, understood and seen, even in the most slight or monumental ways as humans, brings a sense of connection, of meaning to ourselves and others and the way we see ourselves in the world around us. One day you are Dorothy on the yellow brick road and then suddenly you wake up years later and you're the Wicked Witch of the West.
As women, society judges us harshly not for our achievements in life but more so on our inability to NOT age. Women clammer to do everything they can to avoid looking as though they have aged; botox, lipo, cool sculpting, detoxes, eating disorders, diets, plumpers and primers and wrinkle treatments. All in an attempt to make our appearance ‘acceptable’ to be seen.
“Yeah, it’s the sense of invisibility. The trap door to your heart opens and you recognize that the assumption that you’ve had, the narrative that you had, is no longer.” — Dr Susan David
There’s that first moment when you’re out and you’re feeling yourself and some attention comes your way and then the thunderous embarrassment follows when it is direct towards the youthful women behind or beside you. There’s a weird shame in feeling that you were seen and then that crash when you discover in fact you weren’t even seen at all.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed changes in perception and judgements in professional settings to everyday settings. The feminine wiles are only as enticing to society when they are accompanied by the perceived notion of what is female. This notion of female not only encompasses appearance but calls into question emotions and/or feelings as something damaging and disparaging to a female’s ability to work, function and live within society.
“I do think that when it comes to aging, we’re held to a different standard than men. Some guy said to me: ‘Don’t you think you’re too old to sing rock n’ roll?’ I said: ‘You’d better check with Mick Jagger’.” — Cher
Growing up female we already face the battle to be heard and seen. The wonder of youth offers that spotlight for so long before it starts to dim and the narrative you once knew changes. But as we know, men can get older, fatter, and hairier yet treated as though they have made some milestone of wisdom and not once is their ability to be seen as they now are is called into question, it simply IS.
As a psychology student, I always preferred qualitative research over quantitative because though it was often harder it broke open topics for discussion and shed light on things once not discussed. Emotions, toxic positivity, mental health, being, and sense of self are all things that have really come into the foreground of everyday life in the past 5–6 years, particularly during covid with the spotlight now shining hard on wellness, mindfulness and mental health.
When we think about being and feeling SEEN? What do we mean? What does that mean to you? What does that mean to others? When one feels they have ceased to be seen and have undoubtedly become invisible, what does that do to the psyche, to the mental wellbeing of that person? I always felt proud of my nonchalant ‘I don’t care what people think’ attitude but then when you truly become unseen there is a sense of isolation, shame, or loss that you are no longer required. Where does that leave us in our journey through life?
The paradox is the battle to fight for your need to be seen and the notion that some may prefer you to be unseen, maybe even yourself included. The complexities of age affect us all in different ways and that's a separate battle we must counsel ourselves through. To be truly seen, understood, heard and feel a connection, I believe, is integral to our basic needs as humans. To deny experience, emotion, and vulnerability is to place ourselves in the realm of the unseen. By doing so we aid in being placed in the shadows.
I am strong-willed, open, honest, and opinionated and I am defiant to remain seen. I will not discount myself or disparage my visibility to serve a narrative that is not mine. Keep turning up, keep talking, keep raising your voice and refuse to be unseen. I am not my skin elasticity, I am not my few extra kilos, I am not my forehead wrinkles nor am I simply a number deemed too large to matter. I am a human being in a world and I will fight to remain visible in all aspects of my life.
