In primary school one of my teachers took a poem I had written about snails of all things and published it in the weekly newsletter. I was made to read it out loud in the library to all the other students as a shining example of academia. I was no more than 6 or 7 and even then I felt like an imposter. Around 10 years old, I won a state Haiku competition and won a prize and an accompanying award. I still felt like an imposter. At 15 I had some of my poems published in our yearbook and again was made to read it out to the class. Still, an imposter. I was an outsider and suspect I always will be. I don’t know that my classmates then understood what I was writing but I’m glad my teachers did.
What we now term Imposter Syndrome is “a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved”. This fraudulent self seems to be something that resonates more and more with the majority of my generation. Whether it be a personal or professional feeling of imposter syndrome it seems we are all out here doing what we can with no clue and hoping that we’re getting it right. It’s not just a professional setting, it’s a variety of settings; creative, personal, relationships, academics or in new/different environments.
For me I feel my imposter syndrome was a product of being a loner, an outcast, the kid reading the book alone in her room, the over-achiever, the kid that had few friends, the kid who was different, the kid who was bullied, the kid who didn’t feel loved, the isolated, the misunderstood, the dreamer. Negative self-talk and low self-confidence fuelled my Imposter Syndrome alongside an unsupportive, abusive and negative mother. I had a constant fear of not being good enough, not doing good enough, or just not being enough. I carried that sentiment into adulthood.
Whilst there is a lot of talk about IP at the moment, it’s not a new phenomenon by any means. Many creatives and artists have reportedly suffered endlessly at the hands of their own imposter syndrome hyperbole. John Steinbeck, Jodie Foster, Maya Angelou and even our beloved David Bowie. I read an article by writer Bonnie Burton where she said “every time I sign a book deal, I wonder if it’s just because I was at the right place at the right time. I get paranoid I’ll disappoint my agent, and myself, by thinking I can deliver the best book of my career only to end up failing spectacularly. This kind of mental panic sets in before I write a single word.” I couldn’t have related more to that couple of sentences.
Then it dawned on me just how many creatives, musicians, writers etc I know personally are plagued by this mindset of failure even though they’ve proven themselves time and time again to be beyond talented and highly accomplished in their respective industries. It made me wonder where this syndrome derived from. Was it a result of their upbringing? Like in my situation or a reaction to a society that now works itself to the bone and tells us we must achieve, achieve, achieve all the time? Or it is about a growing culture that is constantly comparing and competing against each other?
When I wrote my first book of poetry I read it and re-read it so many times convinced it was a piece of shit. I showed it to friends and mentors who assured me it was a great piece of work I had accomplished. But in the back of my mind, there are still moments where I think “people aren’t going to get this”, and “who the hell is going to buy this, however, now I think maybe it isn’t meant to be understood by everyone and that’s the point. Anything creative or new or different pushes boundaries and takes you places you’ve not been before. So how do we maintain our state of creativity and keep imposter syndrome at bay?
Some research has shown that there is a relationship between imposter syndrome and self-esteem, depression, family expectations, anxiety and many more attributes. A lot of these attributes are often personality traits of writers, musicians and creatives so it feels like IP is almost a pre-cursor to being creative. I think a level of questioning your work is necessary for creating but what isn’t helpful is being over-run by an inner dialogue constantly telling you your work is not worthy not authentic and invalid.
So how do we deal with Imposter Syndrome? For me, I remind myself people read my work, people buy my work, and I re-read emails and praise I’ve received. I look around me at the people that support me and that encourage and motivate me. Most importantly, I remind myself that I DON’T have to be perfect, that I CAN make mistakes and that’s okay. You win some, you lose some. Keep creating, keep learning, keep striving.
How do others deal with Imposter Syndrome?
“My best advice is to make myself so busy I don’t think about it, but I’m not sure if that’s actually dealing with the problem or just avoiding it! I guess also just reminding myself that just because I love what I do, doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate career. Also try not to compare myself to my peers, and remind myself of things I’ve done which have had legitimate value and success.”
— Beci Orpin, Designer & Illustrator
“In my first two years as a university professor I experienced intense Imposter Syndrome. I was convinced that I was not qualified enough. Even though, when I began teaching, I had an MFA from a reputable university, I had studied with some brilliant poets, I had been nominated for 3 Pushcart Prizes and won a prestigious Poetry Fellowship. None of that seemed to matter to me. On paper, I was qualified to teach, but in my heart I felt like a fraud. It wasn’t until I started getting positive course evaluations, praise from other faculty, and a few meaningful teaching experiences with students that I felt that maybe I did belong teaching at this level. But, I will never forget how debilitating the emotions that surround Imposter Syndrome felt at that time. It was a challenge. But, I think the best thing to do is always carefully look at your motives and if they are genuine, then say, “fuck it” — and keep doing what you are doing.”
— Eric Paul, Poet/Professor/Musician
“Imposter Syndrome is crippling to a creative person. It can make you turn down gigs, second guess your process, and feel like you’re always on the verge of being unmasked as a fraud. Although I intellectually know that women are more likely to be socialized to feel inferior in a male-dominated society, my imposter syndrome only started to become manageable when I found other women and femmes in my field to speak openly and honestly with about these struggles. My reminder to myself and to anyone else is that Imposter Syndrome festers and thrives in the dark. The more you shed light on it and open up about your fears, the less real it becomes.”
— Kristen J. Sollee, Author/Writer
“There’s days when I wake up and wonder how I got here and wonder if my designs are all shit. I have to remind myself that I’ve built a successful brand because people love what I do. I’m always down playing my success and belittling my talent. Sometimes my lack of confidence is really detrimental to my creativity and business growth. Then I’ll get amazing feedback from a customer or secure a big order and think ‘Damn, I must know what I’m doing!’. I have days where I feel like my business is a piece of shit and that at any moment it could all fall apart. Being a small business owner is so isolating. I find it’s important to talk to people about my business and talk through ideas and concerns. Whether it’s another entrepreneur, a friend or my business mentor; it really puts things in perspective. Being a fashion designer I constantly catch myself comparing my work with what other people are doing and get stuck in this vicious cycle of thinking what I’m doing is not cool or trendy. It’s a slippery slope, you quickly lose sight of what makes you unique and you start conforming. I have to keep reminding myself; ‘Just do you! People want YOU.’ I wake up most days feeling like an imposter. Like, am I really a fashion designer?! Why the fuck would anyone what to buy what I make. When people ask me what I do I’ve caught myself multiple times saying stuff like “Oh, I just make clothes.” Like I’m embarrassed to say I’m fashion designer, because that sounds too cool and fun and creative… I have to remind myself; it is cool and fun and creative! And I’m lucky to be doing it! Some days the feeling of being an imposter is so overwhelming I get total creative blocks and can’t work. I think everything I draw looks like shit, when in fact it’s actually great, I just have to put it aside and come back to it when I’m in a better headspace.”
— Jason Lingard, Fashion Designer
“My feelings of being an imposter generally come up when I see an opportunity in life that I want to take but my mind says I don’t deserve. It show itself as fear of being rejected or shut down and stops me from reaching out to people for support when I need it. When I notice my mind telling me these types of things over and over, I try and remember other times i felt the same way. If I can remember many times I’ve felt a similar insecurity then I can start to recognize that it’s mostly a pattern of thinking in my head. I have to recognize that my mind paints my reality to look a certain way, and it will almost always take a negative point of view. Moving forward from there can still be scary. Sometimes I can get myself to take a leap of faith and push through the insecurity, but just recognizing the thought pattern is a huge achievement I believe.”
— Soren Roi, Musician
“Whenever I feel imposter syndrome creeping up, I take some time to tune everything out. I try to avoid overthinking variables outside of the process itself, I stop comparing my work to others, and I focus on the real reason why I create anything, which is pure self-expression. Staying in touch with the work keeps me grounded, and serves as the best reminder of what I’m actually capable of.”
— Robert Vogel, Musician
“I challenge myself to contemplate Eudaimonia, the Aristotle concept of subjective wellbeing- loosely, doing well and living well. So like, rational activity as opposed to monetary success/power/honour. “Did I invest energy into mutually beneficial relationships today?” “Am I proud of the work I did/the effort I put in today?” I guess an interpretation of it is stepping back and questioning happiness and subjective happiness- being able to go to sleep feeling satisfied. Acknowledging the effort made to be better, fighting the urge to blame ourselves for whatever we imagined wasn’t good enough.”
— Trish Downes, Make-up Artist
“Being an artist sits you outside of the usual 9 to 5 norms, the comforting constructs of a boss, receptionist and a pension don’t exist so your intrinsic worth, financially and artistically, very much depend on you and your ‘authenticity’ on which your work is valued. You feel like the wolf is constantly scratching at the door and the pernicious mind state that this brings can erode your confidence horribly — is my work relevant? Why didn’t that piece sell? Am I any good? This inevitably leads to the deep feeling that you are no good, a charlatan or worse a ‘fake’ that’s going to fail miserably and publicly and be exposed. I fall back on my back catalogue of work and my competence as a skilled artist — I look at my previous work that has been successful either artistically or commercially to give me the confidence to propel me forward. Talking to other artists can allay fears also as really we are all in the same yawing boat.”
— Jody Thomas, Artist
So at the end of it all, it’s fairly safe to say we are all questioning our talents and achievements and we have no idea what we’re doing but we’re all still doing it and doing it our way. I think that’s the most important takeaway from Imposter Syndrome — that regardless of fear and rejection we still strive to create with authenticity and our own voice despite the feeling of pressure to follow the herd.
